Tacky Art And The Smell Of Paste
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana and Mallory go to a parent-teacher conference at AJ's school.


**Someone used scissors to cut up the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some mad thoughts through my tiny little mind. AJ should at least be in preschool by now so my mind went there.**

 **Tacky Art And The Smell Of Paste **

"Why am I **here?"** Mallory groaned with distaste as she looked around the preschool hallway. She and Lana were sitting in a hallway on some chairs outside a classroom at County Day.

"Because Archer **isn't** ," Lana said.

"So once again I'm forced to pick up Sterling's slack?" Mallory grumbled. "Typical."

"I would have thought you would be interested in how AJ was doing in school," Lana said.

"Well you thought wrong," Mallory grumbled. "Who cares how well a child can do in pre-preschool as long as they don't eat the glue?"

"Preschool actually," Lana said. "AJ is in preschool this year."

" **Already?"** Mallory did a double take.

"I know," Lana sighed. "She'll be in first grade before you know it."

"I thought I was done with this crap," Mallory grumbled. "But no. Here I am again in a school hallway. Full of tacky art and the smell of paste."

"Listen, it's a miracle that AJ was able to go through pre-preschool and get into preschool alone!" Lana said. "Considering all that happened. I don't want to risk her getting blackballed. Again. Please be on your best behavior."

"When am I **not?** " Mallory was confused. She took out a flask from her purse and took a sip.

"This does not bode well," Lana sighed.

The door to the classroom opened. A familiar blonde young woman opened it. "Hello! I'm Laurie! The assistant teacher here. Are you for Abbiejean Kane-Archer?"

"Yes, we are," Lana stood up with Mallory, who had put her flask back in her purse. "We're here to see Mrs. Fine, AJ's teacher."

"Yes uh," Laurie paused. "This is for family only. No nannies please. So, if you'd wait in the hall…"

"I'm AJ's **mother!** " Lana snapped.

"You **are?** " Laurie blinked.

"We've **met!"** Lana snapped. "Several times!"

"Oh, you're the black lady who picks up AJ from school," Laurie blinked. "Oh, **that** makes sense. So, **you** must be the nanny." She looked at Mallory. "I have to say you don't do a very good job."

"WHAT?" Mallory roared.

"Laurie what did you do **now?** " An older woman with brown hair in an updo, a British accent and a smart navy-blue outfit emerged.

"I was just telling the nanny…" Laurie pointed to Mallory.

"I'm Abbiejean's **grandmothe** r you idiot!" Mallory growled.

"Oh," Laurie blinked. "Wait which one of you is the nanny again?"

"Oh, dear God," Mrs. Fine moaned. "Laurie...Sometimes I think **I'm** your nanny! Go make some coffee!"

"But…" Laurie began.

"Just **go**!" Mrs. Fine snarled. Laurie scattered off.

"In case you're confused," Lana sighed. "I'm Lana Kane, Abbiejean's mother. And this is Mallory Archer, Abbiejean's grandmother."

"Or do we need to write that down for you?" Mallory asked sarcastically.

"I am so sorry for Laurie," Mrs. Fine sighed as they entered the classroom. "The school put her in my class and I have no say about it. She is wonderful with the children."

"That's because she shares the same mindset as them," Mallory grumbled as she and Lana sat down in chairs across from Mrs. Fine's desk.

"You are not the first person who has thought that," Mrs. Fine sighed as she sat down at her desk.

"So, tell me how Abbiejean is doing?" Lana asked brightly. "She is doing well I take it? Behaving herself?"

"Well I must say that it's lovely to have Abbiejean in my classroom," Mrs. Fine said. "She's a very bright energetic child. Very imaginative. Always making up stories about glowing pigs and a mad scientist and a cat with robot legs."

"Oh, that's AJ," Lana said with a straight face. "Quite the little storyteller. You know how children are. Love to make things up. How is she doing developmentally?"

"Very well actually," Mrs. Fine said. "She knows her numbers. Her colors. She can cut with children's scissors in a straight line."

"That's actually important?" Lana asked.

"It used to be in my old job," Mallory quipped. "Cutting a straight line anyway."

"Which was?" Mrs. Fine asked.

Mallory didn't miss a beat. "I worked in a mail office. During the war. It was a long time ago."

"You look familiar," Mrs. Fine blinked at Mallory. "Were you in London during any point in the war?"

"I breezed through there once or twice," Mallory admitted. "During my work. I was overseas so they pretty much sent me everywhere. I was very good at my job."

"A little **too good** at your job," Lana rolled her eyes.

"They said I was indispensable," Mallory quickly said. She glared at Lana. "So hard to get **good help** these days."

"You know we are doing a program later in the year," Mrs. Fine said. "About connecting students with the older generation. Would you be interested in coming in and telling them about some of your experiences during the war?"

"Honestly I think AJ's class might be a little young to hear about Mallory's experiences in the war," Lana sighed.

"I agree," Mallory nodded. "Now if we were talking about a high school sex education class…"

Lana looked at Mallory. "What?" Mallory snapped. "Even I couldn't pass up **that line**!"

"Mallory!" Lana snapped.

"So I had a few affairs and seduced a few enemy agents?" Mallory told her. "Big whoop! It was wartime. Things happen."

" _Seduced…?"_ Mrs. Fine blinked. "I thought you said you worked in a mail room during the war?"

"I did," Mallory said. "It just wasn't **our** mail room. Don't look so shocked, I was working undercover. I intercepted a lot of vital mail and packages for our side. We won! You're welcome!"

"Are you supposed to **say** that?" Mrs. Fine gasped.

"Does it really **matter** anymore?" Mallory snapped. "Nowadays every idiot with access to a computer and a camera just blurts every little sordid detail about their lives! I've seen strippers with more modesty than what teenagers are doing online! If they can get credit about their dalliances, why not I?"

"Can we just get back to Abbiejean?" Lana groaned. "Please?"

"Right," Mrs. Fine said. "I have noticed that Abbiejean is very concerned when the other children are using the glue. She keeps saying to not sniff the glue. That it's bad to sniff glue. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for safety but…"

"I uh, showed her a video of school supply safety…" Lana winced. "What not to do. She probably took that to heart."

"She also says her fried Cheryl sniffs glue and it's bad," Mrs. Fine said. "Is this Cheryl in another school…?"

"Let's just say she's in a class by herself," Lana groaned.

"With padded walls," Mallory snorted.

"What?" Mrs. Fine asked.

"Never mind," Lana sighed. "Is there anything we should be concerned about Abbiejean?"

"Well not academically," Mrs. Fine said. "She's certainly doing well on that front."

"Obviously she takes after me in that regard," Mallory grinned. "And not her father."

"Yes, I'd like to ask about Abbiejean's father," Mrs. Fine said. "Is he in the picture or…?"

"Archer…Abbiejean's father is in a coma," Lana admitted.

"He's very sick," Mallory sniffed and took out a tissue, dabbing at her eyes. "Every day I go to my boy's bedside and pray for him."

"Oh, I am so sorry," Mrs. Fine said. "I had no idea."

"Do you watch television by any chance?" Lana realized something.

"Not really no," Mrs. Fine admitted. "I'm afraid I don't even watch the news as often as I should."

"Good," Mallory let out a breath. "You're not missing anything."

"Does Abbiejean have contact with any other male relatives?" Mrs. Fine asked. "Because I've noticed that she can kind of be rather aggressive at times with the boys."

"Aggressive how?" Lana asked.

"She can be a bit vocal when talking to boys," Mrs. Fine explained. "Some minor shoving."

"Well she's just learning to stand up for herself," Mallory said. "Not to be a doormat to men."

"She also said something that boys should be like tissues," Mrs. Fine said. "Soft, strong and disposable?"

Lana looked at Mallory. "What?" Mallory said. "It's not untrue!"

"Uh huh," Lana looked at Mallory.

"Oh please!" Mallory snapped. "I may have mentioned to Abbiejean a few times that a girl has to be strong to get anywhere in life. And that most men are weak kneed little wimps who are threatened by anything that doesn't make whatever in their pants happy! Again! Not untrue!"

"I see…" Mrs. Fine paused.

"I mean look at what she has left to pass for male role models!" Mallory snapped. "A whiny wimpy accountant, the crazy Kraut, Miss Gillette and Pam!"

"You know Pam is a woman, Mallory," Lana groaned.

"She's still the most masculine of the lot!" Mallory snapped.

"Okay," Mrs. Fine said. "I'm starting to see where Abbiejean is getting some of her opinions about boys."

"What?" Mallory snapped. "You want her to be some kind of man pleasing doormat?"

"No, but I don't expect her to come out a man-eating bitch like **you**!" Lana snapped.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Mallory was confused.

"You see what I'm dealing with right?" Lana asked Mrs. Fine.

"I do," Mrs. Fine said. "I also noticed Abbiejean likes to lecture a bit."

"That one is on **you** ," Mallory looked at Lana.

"Then there's this picture that Abbiejean drew," Mrs. Fine took a picture out. "Called Me and Grandpa Ron."

"You're still allowing her to have contact with Ron?" Mallory snapped. "After that bastard threw me out?"

"You were the one who **drove** him to it," Lana looked at Mallory. Then looked at the picture. "What the…? Is that a **racetrack?** "

"Some role model he is!" Mallory groaned.

"I also caught Abbiejean saying a swear word on the playground yesterday," Mrs. Fine said. "Along with some other children. At least I think it was a swear word. She probably picked it up from one of the boys. That's how this usually goes."

"Which little dumb ass said what?" Mallory asked. "Come on, fess up. What word was it?"

"Sploosh," Mrs. Fine coughed. "I'm not exactly sure of the terminology that's why I didn't really punish the children. Just warned them. Do you know what it means?"

"It's a euphemism for a female orgasm," Lana felt embarrassed.

" _Really?"_ Mrs. Fine blinked.

"It had to be that dumb ass bitch Pam!" Mallory snapped as she took out her flask from her purse. "Damn crazy white trash fat ass can't keep her mouth shut!"

"Well that also explains this **other picture** ," Mrs. Fine took out a drawing. "Abbiejean drew this titled Grandma Archer." It was a child's drawing of a woman with a bottle in her hand.

"So?" Mallory asked as she took a sip from her flask.

"You're not saying anything that I'm not already **well aware** of," Lana sighed as she looked at Mrs. Fine. "Please move on…"

"All right then," Mrs. Fine sighed. She looked at Mallory again. "Were you on television or something? You look very familiar to me for some reason."

"Well…" Mallory paused.

"No!" Lana said quickly. She looked at Mallory. "There's **no reason** either of us has **ever** been on television **. No reason**!"

Mallory got the message. "Right. No reason at all. You probably just saw me around or something."

"Probably," Mrs. Fine shook her head. "As I was saying, academically Abbiejean is doing very well. She just needs a little help socially."

"Is this because she's black?" Mallory snapped.

"Mallory!" Lana snapped.

"It's because she's black isn't it?" Mallory snapped. "You think just because she has brown skin my granddaughter won't be able to function in your white bread racist society!"

"No!" Mrs. Fine was stunned.

"Mallory **you** are a part of that white bread racist society!" Lana snapped. "Since when are **you** against it?"

"Since Nordstrom's will no longer give me a credit card!" Mallory snapped.

"Oh right," Lana drawled. "The struggles of my people don't even come **close** to you not getting **a credit card!"**

"That's not what I mean!" Mallory snapped. "I heard the new head of Nordstrom's is Irish! They're taking over! Freezing us out! If you're not pasty white with red hair you're out on the streets!"

"Why would…?" Mrs. Fine was confused.

"Don't ask," Lana groaned. "It's better that you just **don't ask!"**

"I know what I'm talking about," Mallory snapped. "It's a proven fact that there are more Irish in the United States than there are in all of Ireland! And that's just in Boston alone! They're multiplying so much they make rabbits look like monks!"

"You are **insane!"** Lana snapped. "You know that right?"

"What do you mean?" Mallory pointed to Ms. Fine. "If anyone should be worried it should be Mrs. Fine and Dandy over here! She's British! They're going to come for her **first!** "

"You see what I'm dealing with here?" Lana asked. " **This** is why AJ has some issues! This is why **all** of us have issues!"

"I noticed those issues didn't bother you so much when you purposely knocked yourself up with my son's overflowing seed!" Mallory snapped. "You knew what you were getting into! You just didn't know whose vagina Sterling would get himself into! I hope Veronica Deane burns in Hell!"

"Hang on," Mrs. Fine did a double take. "You're **that** Archer's…Dear God!"

"Smooth move Master Spy," Lana looked at Mallory.

"Oh please!" Mallory waved. "She's British. She may talk all upper crust and act polite but she loves a good scandal just as much as Noel Coward loved creating them!"

"Hang on," Mrs. Fine said. "There's **something else** about you that is familiar! I know it! I…"

Then it hit her.

FLASHBACK!

A thin man with a mustache in bed with a much younger Mallory. A blonde woman at the door with two horrified children behind her. "Richard!" The woman screamed.

Mallory looked at the man. "I thought you said you didn't have kids?"

"Obviously that was a lie," Richard coughed.

"How could you?" The woman cried out.

"Obviously I did most of the work," Mallory shrugged as she got herself dressed. "Sorry Dickie, the wife is one thing but no kids. I don't want to be saddled down with some brats. The sex wasn't that good."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Now I remember **you**!" Mrs. Fine shouted. "You're the tart that slept with my father and broke up my parents' marriage!"

"Who was your father again?" Mallory blinked.

"Richard Baker!" Mrs. Fine shouted.

"Which Richard Baker?" Mallory asked.

"What do you mean **which** Richard Baker?" Mrs. Fine shouted. "How many bloody Richard Bakers whose homes you've wrecked **are there**?"

"Duke Richard Baker of the South Hampton Bakers?" Mallory asked. "Judge Richard Baker of the London Bakers? Mayor Richard Baker of Dover? Richard Baker from Clackton-On-Sea? Come on! It's a very common name! Throw me a bone here!"

"RARRRRRRRR!" Mrs. Fine screamed and leapt on Mallory, tackling her like a linebacker.

"Oh, for the love of…" Lana groaned.

"YOU RUINED MY CHILDHOOD YOU BITCH!" Mrs. Fine screamed as she and Mallory fought on the floor.

"HOW IS IT **MY FAULT** YOUR FATHER WAS TOM CATTING AROUND?" Mallory snapped as she punched Mrs. Fine in the face. "Typical! Blame the victim!"

"I don't f &$-ing **believe** this," Lana groaned as she took the flask from Mallory's purse and took a drink.

Meanwhile Mallory had gained the upper hand. She was currently on top of Mrs. Fine and whacking her with a frog puppet. "You wanna come at me? **This** is what happens when you come after Mallory Archer!"

"OW! OW! OW! OW!" Mrs. Fine screamed as Mallory whacked her repeatedly with the frog puppet.

"Like mother, like son," Lana groaned as she drank some more from the flask. "Damn it! I should have known what I was getting into!"

An hour and a visit from the police later…

"I can't understand why you're angry at me," Mallory looked at Lana. They were in a bar. Mallory had a black eye. "Why are you mad at **me**? I'm the victim here! I'm telling you Lana, I am seriously rethinking keeping AJ at County Day! First the Long Water scheme with Ivy. Then those judgmental teachers and idiot staff. Now **this?** Assault by a teacher! What has this world **come to**?"

"Is there **anyone** …?" Lana glared at Mallory. "Any _man_ , **anywhere** in the world whose dick you **haven't** touched?"

"Why are you mad at **me?** " Mallory snapped. "I was the one that was **assaulted**! She's lucky I'm not pressing charges!"

"No, she's just going to lose her job!" Lana snapped. "Apparently County Day has a no tolerance policy when it comes to teachers assaulting people!"

"Well they **should!"** Mallory said. "That bitch is just lucky I decided to not use my gun!"

"Yeah and then AJ would have been thrown out!" Lana snapped.

"Hence why I didn't use the gun," Mallory said. "She still didn't tell me which Richard it was."

"You need **more clues** to _narrow it down?"_ Lana looked at her.

Mallory paused. "Well it couldn't have been Lord Richard Baker. He had only sons and went back to his wife. The Richard Baker from Clackton-On-Sea wasn't married and had no children. And I think the mayor's wife died before I hooked up with him so it couldn't have been that one. So, it had to be the judge. Or the counterfeiter I met at that pub in the East End. Or was he the bartender?"

"Unbelievable," Lana groaned.

"I know I slept with **both** the counterfeiter and the bartender," Mallory kept thinking. "And one of them did say his name was Richard Baker. Or at least he **pretended** his name was Richard Baker. I can't remember. This is going to drive me **crazy.** "

"My words **exactly,"** Lana groaned as she took a drink.


End file.
